THE BEST CANADIAN JOKES FROM COAST TO COAST TO COAST
Funny Canadian Jokes From the Yukon
Prospecting for gold—and guffaws!
I’m so sorry if you’re single in March in the Yukon. There’s nothing left; it’s all gone. You go on Yukon Tinder and it just says, “Out of order, check back in May.” —George Maratos, Whitehorse
Ghost in the North
New Northerners
We all want to be part of the Yukon. We’re willing to invest the time and the resources. I’ve been growing a beard now for two years, trying to fit in. —Oshea Jephson, Whitehorse
Frisbee for One
A popular summer activity in the Yukon is disc golf, or Frisbee golf. A lot of people think it evolved from regular golf, but I think it evolved from lonely men who got tired of going to the park every day, trying to make friends to play catch with. They were just like, “You know what? I’m gonna figure out a way to play with these discs all by myself. Just me, the trees and my discs.” And when they’re playing, you can actually hear the trees going, “Nobody cares. You’re a grown man playing with discs.” —James Boyle, Whitehorse
These golf jokes are better than a hole-in-one.
The Greatest Jokes From British Columbia
Welcome to the playful Pacific!
Why do we have so many coins in Canada? We had bills. When I was a kid, we had a $2 bill. It had a bird on it. It was wonderful. There was a $1 bill, too. What happened? Did a pirate make it to the top of the Bank of Canada? —Ivan Decker, Ladner, B.C.
@ScanBC is a Twitter account that tweets out requests for law enforcement heard on police scanners around the province. Here are a few of the more absurd requests they’ve heard:
- June 14, 2020: Fire crews in Maple Ridge are responding to a residence to assist a dog with its head stuck in a couch.
- March 29, 2019: RCMP have requested assistance from the Squamish fire department after they raised their Canadian flag upside down.
- Jan. 23, 2018: Vancouver Police are responding to the area of Renfrew and Hastings for reports of a cougar in a tree. The reported animal was located and found to be a very large raccoon.
Every time Canadian scientists announce they’ve found another dinosaur in B.C., I’m like, “Yeah, that’s when they’re from.” —Jeremy Woodcock, Toronto
At the end of Grade 10, I remember the vice principal at Prince of Wales sat me down and invited me to leave, which, looking back, was just a very Canadian way of kicking me out. —Ryan Reynolds, Vancouver
Enjoying these Canadian jokes? Don't miss our side-splitting roundup of the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.
Top Jokes From the Northwest Territories
Plenty of ice and laughs to go around!
I’ve been thinking about telling my jokes as if I were Justin Trudeau, but I don’t think public opinion would really approve—I’d just be pushing my punchlines through like an oil pipeline, but for funnies. —Brad Thom, Fort Providence, N.W.T.
Immigration Reform
Canada should have the easiest immigration policy. Do you want to move to Canada? Okay, we’ll come pick you up. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world; we’re gonna come pick you up at no cost to you. But we’re going to bring you here in January, and we’re going to land the plane in Yellowknife. All those potential immigrants will be excited, thinking we landed at night. Nope, it’s 2 in the afternoon. —Arthur Simeon, Toronto
I was born and raised in Inuvik, N.W.T. Even though I’m from here, though, I can’t start a Ski-Doo, I don’t hunt, and I hate the cold, so I really need this comedy thing to work. —Dez Loreen, Inuvik, N.W.T.
Tourist Traps
Tourism website Spectacular Northwest Territories rounded up a list of the strangest and most dangerous places in the territory. Their names are…a bit on the nose:
- The Smoking Hills
- The Bottomless Lake
- The Peak With No Name
- The Lake That Fell Off a Cliff
- The Rapids of the Drowned
Here are 25 knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny!
The Best Canadian Jokes From Alberta
The wacky, witty west!
A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in disbelief for a moment, then started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
A woman working at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
“No, it says right here,” he said, handing the cup to the employee: “W I N A B A G E L.” —canadianbucketlist.com
Riveting Radio
CBC can be a little dry at times. The other day I heard this on CBC Radio: “Today on the program we’re talking about lineups. Call us with your fascinating lineup stories.” There’s no such thing! —Gavin Crawford, Taber, Alta.
Signs you’ve been in Alberta too long:
- You think Medicine Hat is “The Windy City”
- You mistake mosquitoes for birds
- Oil has started leaking out of your boots —huffpost.ca
Alberta, the province with the most straight, flat roads and cars stuck in ditches beside them. —reddit.ca
I smoked pot openly in Calgary—because nobody knew what pot was. —Tommy Chong, Calgary
Cultural Differences
I come from High River, Alberta. All my relatives are from big cities all around the world. Sometimes they make fun of me and say, “Oh, Noor, you’re from High River. You know nothing about your culture.” I’m like, “What? I’m from High River. I spend my whole life explaining my culture.” Sometimes it’s not even my own culture. People in High River will ask me, “Hey, Noor, you guys don’t eat meat, right?” And I’m like, “No, that’s actually Hindus.” They’re like, “Oh, what do Hindus believe?” And I’m like, “I don’t know. I’m from High River, too!” —Noor Kidwai, High River, Alta.
Apologizing is huge in Canada’s culture. But not in my culture. Did you know that there isn’t a word for “sorry” in my Cree language? That’s because we didn’t do anything to apologize for. —Howie Miller, Edmonton
For our American guests, let me just say how brave it is of you to join us here, in a country that is such a hostile national security threat. I should let you know, though, if some of you are not careful, we may make you drink your own beer. —Rachel Notley, Edmonton
People think of Canadians as peaceful people, not getting into wars, not having handguns. But our national pastime is this game where we just pummel each other. —Michael J. Fox, Edmonton
Follow this hilarious guide to sound like a hockey expert (even if you've never watched a game).
Funny Jokes From Saskatchewan
The landscape may be flat, but not the sense of humour!
I’ve played a lot of leaders, autocratic types. Perhaps it was my Canadian accent. —Leslie Nielsen, Regina
I don’t mind being a symbol, but I don’t want to become a monument. There are monuments all over the Parliament Buildings, and I’ve seen what the pigeons do to them. —Tommy Douglas, Saskatoon (by way of Scotland)
A Saskatchewan farmer decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the prairies. A few months later, a friend comes to visit.
“What do you think of the mountains?” his friend asks.
“They’re okay,” the farmer says. “But they sure obscure the view.” —upjoke.com
Things you won’t hear in Saskatchewan:
- “Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.”
- “Is the seafood fresh?”
- “I just don’t feel like bingo tonight.” —canadaka.net
Saskatchewan is known for its extreme temperatures. It’s very cold. When I was in elementary school, I had to walk backwards to school so I wouldn’t get frostbite on the front of my face. —Tatiana Maslany, Regina
The Lord said, “Let there be wheat,” and Saskatchewan was born. —Stephen Leacock, Sutton, Ont.
Wearing a mask these past few months has really opened my eyes to how far away my ears are from my nose. —Brent Butt, Tisdale, Sask.
Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now.
Manitoba's Best Canadian Jokes
Dry winters and a dry sense of humour!
Fiery Romance
It’s so cold in Winnipeg right now that I’m actually hoping for a heated argument with my wife. —@msilvawpg
Brandon, Man., named one of its local malls the Shoppers Mall, in case people forget what they went there to do. —reddit.ca
In Canada we’re racist; we’re just passive-aggressive about it. If Canadian racism were a person, they would be your best friend. And you’d go over to them in your new jeans like, “How do I look?” And Canadian racism would say something like, “Oh, beauty standards are really hard.” —Aisha Alfa, Winnipeg
Growing up on the prairies, we had only three channels: CBC, a blurry channel, and the French channel. It was called Farmer Vision. —Big Daddy Tazz, Winnipeg
How many of these classic Canadian TV shows do you remember?
Funny Jokes From Nunavut
Cold weather, warm laughs!
With #NunavutTVShows, Twitter users imagine their favourite series set up north:
- Square Dancing With the Stars —@Alethia_Aggiuq
- No Tree Hill —@geckospots
- The Price is NOT Right —@khumbu2015
- Saved by the Bell 10 GB Data Package —@Nuliayuk
Population Density
Three of five people living in Iqaluit, Nunavut, are actually winter coats hanging on the backs of chairs. —Satirical Twitter account @Stats_Canada
Culture Shock
I have a lot of trouble when I go to the south, because there are just so many rules. I had to pay for parking today—and then I got a ticket because I parked on the sidewalk. But we don’t have sidewalks! —Bibi Bilodeau, Iqaluit
These funny podcasts will have you laughing out loud.
Funny Canadian Jokes From Ontario
Where so much hilarity is “yours to discover”!
Essential Knowledge
Let me tell you about Canadian Heritage Minutes. Most people in most countries feel good about themselves naturally, but we Canadians have a self-esteem issue, so the government feels the need to flood our televisions with commercials about obscure stuff that happened hundreds of years ago that nobody knows about. At the end of the commercials they’re always like, “And that man was Trent Foster Rivers,” and you’re like, “Who?” —Nile Seguin, Ottawa
Toronto housing market: taking your relationship to the next level under financial duress since 2009. —Cassie Cao, Toronto
I’m not afraid to get ugly. I think that comes from my Canadian work ethic. I’m only half-joking. It comes from a place of just wanting to execute the best possible joke in the moment, whatever it takes. What’s the funniest thing I can do? Oh, that’s awful. Okay, that’s it. I’ll do it. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m doing it. Okay, it’s over. —Samantha Bee, Toronto
The King of Canadian Jokes
Canadian white folks get mad. They say, “Hey, you don’t diss our boiled potatoes. Sometimes we put salt in that water.” —Russell Peters, Toronto
And the Oscar for best actress goes to…Woman Enjoying the Turkey Sausage Breakfast Sandwich in Tim Hortons Commercial. What a performance! —D.J. Demers, Kitchener, Ont.
Cutting Remark
The meanest thing you can say to a guy in Canada? I hope your hockey team loses. —Nour Hadidi, Toronto
Canada and America are closer than friends. We’re more like siblings. We have shared parentage, though we took different paths in our later years. We became the stay-at-home type, and you grew to be a little more rebellious. —Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
National Tradition
I got into hockey as a kid for the same reason all Canadians get into hockey—I wanted my dad to love me. —Dave Hemstad, Thornhill, Ont.
Every Canadian has a complicated relationship with the United States, whereas Americans think of Canada as the place where the weather comes from. —Margaret Atwood, Ottawa
Q: Why do all Canadians live in igloos?
A: We need to keep cool because our prime minister is so hot. —Lilly Singh, Toronto
Canadian Jokes From a Comedy Legend
Canadians, we have our Thanksgiving in October. We have different traditions. We like to stuff the turkey through the beak. We’ll sit around and tell each other what we’re thankful for and then apologize if it feels like bragging. We eat a whole potato because mashing requires too much aggression. And then at the end of dinner, we stand around and sing songs about public health care. —Martin Short, Hamilton, Ont.
How well do you know your Canadianisms? Take our Canadian slang quiz to find out!
Rib-Ticklers From Quebec
Notoriously funny—in two languages!
Laura Secord is the founding mother of Canada. She made all the chocolates I ate growing up. A lot of people had a poster of David Cassidy over their bed. I had the Laura Secord chocolate chart. —Caroline Rhea, Montreal
Quebec City has more mimes per capita than any other Canadian city. —Satirical Twitter account @Stats_Canada
Bad Joke
The biggest thing that makes me truly embarrassed to be Canadian, and specifically from Quebec, is Just for Laughs Gags. —Zoe Whittall, Toronto
Riddle Me This
What do you call a French Canadian who can speak English? Bilingual.
What do you call an English Canadian who can speak French? A miracle. —reddit.com
Quebec Quirks
We’re on day four of rain in Montreal today. I just saw a guy out walking his goldfish. —David Acer, Montreal
Over the years, people in Montreal have embraced me with open arms. And those who didn’t, well, those are the people who traded me. —P.K. Subban, Toronto
Plus Ça Change…
Only in Montreal can you leave for three months and return to see every traffic cone in the exact same spot. —@brandonprust8
Psst—this is actually the rainiest place in Canada!
New Brunswick's Best Canadian Jokes
Land of the lobster, the sea and some very funny people!
Dad: Did I tell you my joke about New Brunswick’s population?
Child: Nope.
Dad: Actually, never mind. It’s getting pretty old. —themanatee.com
Mr. Dress-Up
New Brunswick is like the provincial equivalent of an elderly man in a sweater vest. —reddit.com
Through and Through
They ask me at the border why I don’t take American citizenship. I could still be Canadian, they say. You could have dual citizenship. But I say no, I’m not dual anything. I’m Canadian. There’s a maple leaf in my underwear somewhere. —Donald Sutherland, Saint John, N.B.
Seasons of Change
In New Brunswick, we get four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and construction. —reddit.com
We’re thinking of changing our motto: New Brunswick—if you’ve hit Nova Scotia, you’ve gone too far. —Brian Gallant, Shediac, N.B.
How many of these quirky roadside attractions have you spotted in your travels across Canada?
Funny Canadian Jokes From Nova Scotia
High tides and hilarity!
The best thing about my status card is that I can fish wherever, whenever I want. I was in Loblaws the other day and dropped my line in the fish tank. —Janelle Niles, Truro, N.S.
Danger Zone
We have a place in Nova Scotia called Peggy’s Cove, where not long ago a woman went over the edge—and she lived. But this is a pet peeve for me, because they talked about it for weeks after on the radio: “Maybe we need to hire students with little orange vests that say it’s dangerous to go out on the rocks,” they said, “or maybe we need to put more signs up.” Apparently the ocean slamming into the continent and shooting spray 45 feet in the air does not say “danger!” to some people. —Candy Palmater, Halifax
I feel like all Nova Scotia tourism has to say is, “Dude, you can ride your bike, then walk through the woods, then jump in a lake.” —Elliot Page, Halifax
Here are 10 essential experiences on the east coast of Canada.
Newfoundland and Labrador's Funniest Canadian Jokes
Famed for its beautiful landscapes—and side-splitting humour!
Radio just reported that a pregnant woman in labour drove herself to the hospital on a Ski-Doo. I hope they are okay. I’m pretty sure this child will grow up to be the future premier who will lead us to prosperity. —Mark Critch, St. John’s
Legend has it the Macarena originated in Newfoundland when a fisherman got up out of his chair and started anxiously searching his shirt and pants pockets for a pack of smokes. —reddit.com
According to a recent Dominion Institute poll, a majority of Canadians have no idea how Parliament works. Which is fine. We’re a very busy people—we have lives to lead, families to raise. Not to mention we’re all on hold with Rogers. —Rick Mercer, St. John’s
Common Misconception
I’m so sick and tired of Americans misunderstanding Canadians: “Aww, isn’t that cute. He’s from Canada. Hey, Bob! They just got electricity up there.” There are so many things they don’t know about us. Like, first of all, we’ve had electricity since the early ’80s. —Shaun Majumder, Burlington, N.L.
Apocalypse Later
The world will end at midnight... Twelve-thirty, Newfoundland. —reddit.com
“[Newfoundlanders are like] a genetic pool the size of a pudding bowl. So I always think that the first two who came were really funny, and it just went on from there.” —Mary Walsh, St. John’s
Canadian tweens spend 81 percent of geography class laughing at names of towns in Newfoundland. —Satirical Twitter account @Stats_Canada
Come from away? Here are 12 common Newfoundland sayings, decoded!
Top Canadian Jokes From Prince Edward Island
The smallest province with the largest laughs!
Celebrating History
I’m from Charlottetown, where the country was formed in a blurry stupor by the Fathers of Confederation. You know, Charlottetown is so proud of its place in our history that every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night there are still re-enactments of the drinking that went on during that fateful gathering. —Jonathan Torrens, Charlottetown
Did you ever hear the joke about the woman who moved to P.E.I. when she was two years old? She lived her whole life on the Island and died here on her 90th birthday. But her obituary still read, “Woman from away died peacefully in her home.” —Teresa Wright, Charlottetown
You know you’re in P.E.I. when there are seven empty cars running in the parking lot of your local Canadian Tire at all times. —canadaka.net
Know Thyself
Writer Ivy Knight’s book You Know You’re an Islander When… offers an insider-joke tome for Prince Edward Islanders. Here are some highlights:
- You get excited when you hear P.E.I. mentioned on any news outlet other than Compass
- When you see the sign for Vogue Optical, you automatically sing in your head, “Your second pair is free”
- You know the difference between “out west” and “up west”
- Crapaud: to others, it’s a joke; to you, it’s home
If these Canadian jokes tickled your funny bone, don't miss our roundup of the funniest town names across Canada.
The post The Best Canadian Jokes From Coast to Coast to Coast appeared first on Reader's Digest Canada.
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